If you're going through hell...

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill

Such a short sentence for such a big thought. There are many moments in life when we are facing trials or troubles that cause us to feel like we are being put through the fires of life. It hurts, its burns away parts of us, it tears straight through, and at times leaves us so desperate to get away from the fiery inferno that we are suddenly face to face with the harsh reality of the situation. It is moments like this when we have to choose whether to give into the torturous flames eating at us, to essentially give up and die, or to keep fighting through the agony knowing that there is an end to this pain somewhere and that with help from God and others, we can walk through our hell.

I feel so trivial and selfish at times. An eating disorder is a selfish disease. It causes you to focus only on yourself, your problems, and your imperfections. It causes you to lose interest in the things you use to care about, to stop talking to the people you care about, to somewhat seclude yourself away from life. The disorder turns what should be a relaxing and enjoyable evening out into a raging battle inside of you. At dinner, instead of ordering something that looks delicious, you almost always order salad, and if you don't, you spend the rest of the night mentally beating yourself up for that moment of weakness and that basket of fries. While you're listening to a band and hanging out with friends, instead of relaxing and enjoying the company and good music, you mentally are comparing yourself to every woman in the room, feeling completely ashamed of yourself and your body, and end up sitting quietly as your friends enjoy themselves and you are being inwardly tormented  by something you can't seem to vanquish. 

It feels so selfish, yet it is so hard to get past these things. This is why there are so many misconceptions about eating disorders. Most people don't talk about what they are going through and 50% of an eating disorder (if not more) is unseen because it is mental and emotional. Thankfully it is something that is being studied more and becoming widely recognized for what it truly is. Even though I feel so selfish sometimes for even having the disease that I have, I feel so very blessed that there is a cure and that the cure is obtainable and will result in success. Even though it is not currently life threatening to me, it is life threatening to so many people who are struggling with eating disorders. An eating disorder is like a mental and emotional cancer, it slowly eats away at your self-esteem, your body image, your normal brain functions, your hormones, your attitudes, and most important; your worth.

I have made it over my first hurdle, today marks one week of eating normal amounts of food. For the majority of the week I did well and followed through everyday. Working out really helped me stay focused since I needed the energy to work out as much as I did and it kept my mind occupied so I didn't have as much time to think about everything. However, this weekend has been rough. My weekends are fairly quiet since I don't work on weekends and I usually have a lot of free time which I usually spend doing homework, running errands, cleaning, catching up on a little tv, running, and spending some time with friends. However this weekend was a little out of place. First of all it was Spring Break, which meant no homework (alright so I did have homework, but I slacked off because I am burnt out on school), I also wasn't feeling good for part of the weekend which meant I couldn't run Saturday (Friday was my day off after 4 days of at least 2 hour work outs), and I didn't have a lot of errands to run since I had Friday off of work and ran my errands then. Needless to say I had too much time to think over the last two days.

I am starting to feel bloated and flabby...although I know I am probably bloated from the extra food intake that my body isn't use to and flabby from my screwed up image of myself. It has been a really rough 24 hours. I have had to convince myself a number of times that I am not going to give up and that I am going to keep trying. I have had to remind myself that I just have to keep going one week at a time, since focusing on more than a week right now is overwhelming and depressing, and remind myself that I won't have to put a swimsuit on for two more months.

Right now I feel like I am mentally and emotionally going through hell. I feel like crying so often because I am at war with myself. Half of me wants to just stop eating, half of me wants to get better...its a constant thing right now. I pray that there will be a day when I won't be tormented by this constant battle. 

I am going through hell...and I'll keep on going until I am free.

Choices...

"The biggest misconception is that the condition is a willing choice made by the sufferer. The National Institute of Mental Health describes eating disorders as serious illnesses with a biological basis that is modified and influenced by emotional and cultural factors. In this respect it's similar to other addictive behaviors and, like those conditions, recovery is far more difficult than simply deciding to eat more once again." (Stride Nation)

No person suffering from an eating disorder made the choice to feel like they do. An eating disorder is more than just the behaviors associated with them. Its more than starving yourself, more than binging and purging, more than counting every calorie that passes through your lips...its a mental illness. 

I don't choose to feel this way, I want to be normal and not see food as an enemy, but something essential to my body, mind, and life. But I am sick, I have a disease. This disease causes my brain to process hunger pains and food cravings as enemy signals, as something to overcome and break, telling me that getting through the hunger without eating will be success and invigorating. The disease tells my conscience to feel guilty when I eat over 600 calories and to congratulate myself when I stay under that calorie limit. The disease causes me to have obsessive behaviors that cause me to plan ahead for my day so I know when I may have to eat because I am with people so I can adjust by starving myself for the majority of the day to save my calories for later. It causes me to count and calculate the calories in every piece of food I put in my mouth and causes me to think about purging if I "overeat". 

Unfortunately by the time that I realized that I had a problem, I was too caught up in my habits and behaviors and too mentally screwed up by the disorder that I wasn't thinking straight anymore. Thankfully I am surrounded by family and friends who love me and started recognizing my strange habits and suddenly rapid weight loss and started encouraging (sometimes nearly forcing) me to eat and talk to a nutritionist and take a step back from working out so much. But it still wasn't quite enough. I put on a little weight, started eating a little more. But I still counted calories, started running more and eating less here and there, telling myself that I didn't have a problem and that I could live like this. I didn't want to feel like this, I can't even begin to count the times that I would break down because I couldn't stop feeling this way. I wanted to be normal, I didn't want to feel guilty every time I ate something, I didn't want to eat half of an ice cream cone because I couldn't make myself eat all of those calories, I didn't want to feel like I was gaining weight everyday I went over 600 calories or didn't workout...I JUST WANTED TO BE HEALTHY!

Finally I made my CHOICE...I choose to try and get healthy. But I knew I couldn't do it on my own. Thankfully someone close who loves me and had been trying to help me see the disorder is right there with me to keep me accountable. Last week we made a deal that I would just focus on the next two weeks and trying to create good eating habits. This recovery process is not quite the same as most people recovering from anorexia. First of all I am back to a normal weight for my body and I pretty much have stayed there, so I don't need to gain weight. Because of the disorder I have an unrealistic and irrational fear of gaining weight, and that is the hardest thing for me to work through right now. But because I am at a normal weight, I don't have to over eat. Everyday I have to at least eat 1500 calories, preferably 1800. I can still workout as long as I am eating and I am suppose to try to make healthy choices.

Its been a very hard and stressful week. There have been a couple days where I have been so tempted to just not eat that day or skip meals, but I have pushed myself and stayed with it. Working out has really helped me stay focused and stay on task. Because I have been working out and eating, I have noticed that I can push myself harder and accomplish more when I have energy that I am receiving from the food I am eating. I still am scared of gaining weight, but I know that once I get through these two weeks and then the few weeks following that my body will adjust to the healthy habits. I still have moments of weakness, I still break down sometimes when I am eat or afterwards, I am still far from being better and I know its going to be a long road of recovery, but I am getting a little bit stronger everyday.

I didn't choose to have an eat disorder, I didn't choose to be anorexic, I didn't choose these irrationalities. I CHOOSE to get better, I CHOOSE to make sure I have people in my life who love me and support me through this, I CHOOSE to get healthy for me, for my future, and for my future family. I CHOOSE LIFE!

There are so many people out there suffering from the same disorder or other ones like it, and unfortunately they are more sick than I ever got and they are on their way to losing their life because they are not only mentally ill, but physically starved and slowly dwindling away. They didn't make the choice to be this way, but they still have a chance to make the choice to save their lives before its too late, but they need help. They need the people that love them to stop ignoring the issue and love them by getting them help. Help them choose life.

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