Such a short sentence for such a big thought. There are many moments in life when we are facing trials or troubles that cause us to feel like we are being put through the fires of life. It hurts, its burns away parts of us, it tears straight through, and at times leaves us so desperate to get away from the fiery inferno that we are suddenly face to face with the harsh reality of the situation. It is moments like this when we have to choose whether to give into the torturous flames eating at us, to essentially give up and die, or to keep fighting through the agony knowing that there is an end to this pain somewhere and that with help from God and others, we can walk through our hell.
I feel so trivial and selfish at times. An eating disorder is a selfish disease. It causes you to focus only on yourself, your problems, and your imperfections. It causes you to lose interest in the things you use to care about, to stop talking to the people you care about, to somewhat seclude yourself away from life. The disorder turns what should be a relaxing and enjoyable evening out into a raging battle inside of you. At dinner, instead of ordering something that looks delicious, you almost always order salad, and if you don't, you spend the rest of the night mentally beating yourself up for that moment of weakness and that basket of fries. While you're listening to a band and hanging out with friends, instead of relaxing and enjoying the company and good music, you mentally are comparing yourself to every woman in the room, feeling completely ashamed of yourself and your body, and end up sitting quietly as your friends enjoy themselves and you are being inwardly tormented by something you can't seem to vanquish.
It feels so selfish, yet it is so hard to get past these things. This is why there are so many misconceptions about eating disorders. Most people don't talk about what they are going through and 50% of an eating disorder (if not more) is unseen because it is mental and emotional. Thankfully it is something that is being studied more and becoming widely recognized for what it truly is. Even though I feel so selfish sometimes for even having the disease that I have, I feel so very blessed that there is a cure and that the cure is obtainable and will result in success. Even though it is not currently life threatening to me, it is life threatening to so many people who are struggling with eating disorders. An eating disorder is like a mental and emotional cancer, it slowly eats away at your self-esteem, your body image, your normal brain functions, your hormones, your attitudes, and most important; your worth.
I have made it over my first hurdle, today marks one week of eating normal amounts of food. For the majority of the week I did well and followed through everyday. Working out really helped me stay focused since I needed the energy to work out as much as I did and it kept my mind occupied so I didn't have as much time to think about everything. However, this weekend has been rough. My weekends are fairly quiet since I don't work on weekends and I usually have a lot of free time which I usually spend doing homework, running errands, cleaning, catching up on a little tv, running, and spending some time with friends. However this weekend was a little out of place. First of all it was Spring Break, which meant no homework (alright so I did have homework, but I slacked off because I am burnt out on school), I also wasn't feeling good for part of the weekend which meant I couldn't run Saturday (Friday was my day off after 4 days of at least 2 hour work outs), and I didn't have a lot of errands to run since I had Friday off of work and ran my errands then. Needless to say I had too much time to think over the last two days.
I am starting to feel bloated and flabby...although I know I am probably bloated from the extra food intake that my body isn't use to and flabby from my screwed up image of myself. It has been a really rough 24 hours. I have had to convince myself a number of times that I am not going to give up and that I am going to keep trying. I have had to remind myself that I just have to keep going one week at a time, since focusing on more than a week right now is overwhelming and depressing, and remind myself that I won't have to put a swimsuit on for two more months.
Right now I feel like I am mentally and emotionally going through hell. I feel like crying so often because I am at war with myself. Half of me wants to just stop eating, half of me wants to get better...its a constant thing right now. I pray that there will be a day when I won't be tormented by this constant battle.
I am going through hell...and I'll keep on going until I am free.
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