No person suffering from an eating disorder made the choice to feel like they do. An eating disorder is more than just the behaviors associated with them. Its more than starving yourself, more than binging and purging, more than counting every calorie that passes through your lips...its a mental illness.
I don't choose to feel this way, I want to be normal and not see food as an enemy, but something essential to my body, mind, and life. But I am sick, I have a disease. This disease causes my brain to process hunger pains and food cravings as enemy signals, as something to overcome and break, telling me that getting through the hunger without eating will be success and invigorating. The disease tells my conscience to feel guilty when I eat over 600 calories and to congratulate myself when I stay under that calorie limit. The disease causes me to have obsessive behaviors that cause me to plan ahead for my day so I know when I may have to eat because I am with people so I can adjust by starving myself for the majority of the day to save my calories for later. It causes me to count and calculate the calories in every piece of food I put in my mouth and causes me to think about purging if I "overeat".
Unfortunately by the time that I realized that I had a problem, I was too caught up in my habits and behaviors and too mentally screwed up by the disorder that I wasn't thinking straight anymore. Thankfully I am surrounded by family and friends who love me and started recognizing my strange habits and suddenly rapid weight loss and started encouraging (sometimes nearly forcing) me to eat and talk to a nutritionist and take a step back from working out so much. But it still wasn't quite enough. I put on a little weight, started eating a little more. But I still counted calories, started running more and eating less here and there, telling myself that I didn't have a problem and that I could live like this. I didn't want to feel like this, I can't even begin to count the times that I would break down because I couldn't stop feeling this way. I wanted to be normal, I didn't want to feel guilty every time I ate something, I didn't want to eat half of an ice cream cone because I couldn't make myself eat all of those calories, I didn't want to feel like I was gaining weight everyday I went over 600 calories or didn't workout...I JUST WANTED TO BE HEALTHY!
Finally I made my CHOICE...I choose to try and get healthy. But I knew I couldn't do it on my own. Thankfully someone close who loves me and had been trying to help me see the disorder is right there with me to keep me accountable. Last week we made a deal that I would just focus on the next two weeks and trying to create good eating habits. This recovery process is not quite the same as most people recovering from anorexia. First of all I am back to a normal weight for my body and I pretty much have stayed there, so I don't need to gain weight. Because of the disorder I have an unrealistic and irrational fear of gaining weight, and that is the hardest thing for me to work through right now. But because I am at a normal weight, I don't have to over eat. Everyday I have to at least eat 1500 calories, preferably 1800. I can still workout as long as I am eating and I am suppose to try to make healthy choices.
Its been a very hard and stressful week. There have been a couple days where I have been so tempted to just not eat that day or skip meals, but I have pushed myself and stayed with it. Working out has really helped me stay focused and stay on task. Because I have been working out and eating, I have noticed that I can push myself harder and accomplish more when I have energy that I am receiving from the food I am eating. I still am scared of gaining weight, but I know that once I get through these two weeks and then the few weeks following that my body will adjust to the healthy habits. I still have moments of weakness, I still break down sometimes when I am eat or afterwards, I am still far from being better and I know its going to be a long road of recovery, but I am getting a little bit stronger everyday.
I didn't choose to have an eat disorder, I didn't choose to be anorexic, I didn't choose these irrationalities. I CHOOSE to get better, I CHOOSE to make sure I have people in my life who love me and support me through this, I CHOOSE to get healthy for me, for my future, and for my future family. I CHOOSE LIFE!
There are so many people out there suffering from the same disorder or other ones like it, and unfortunately they are more sick than I ever got and they are on their way to losing their life because they are not only mentally ill, but physically starved and slowly dwindling away. They didn't make the choice to be this way, but they still have a chance to make the choice to save their lives before its too late, but they need help. They need the people that love them to stop ignoring the issue and love them by getting them help. Help them choose life.
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